I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
