woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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