zippers are such a cool invention
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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