i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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