guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
