I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
