Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
