i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
