I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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