Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
