I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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