She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
