my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
