I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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