my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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