im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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