You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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