I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
