my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
