I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
