That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
