FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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