She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
