Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
