just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
