I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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