that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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