I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
