If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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