good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
