I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
