does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
