we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
