So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
