So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
