Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
