possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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