"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
