The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
