I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
