Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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