Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
