when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
