Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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