first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
