Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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