I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
