I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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