she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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