What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
