I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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