so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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