Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
