Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
