Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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