Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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