My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
