guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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