new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
